So I go down to the basement and I hear sounds coming from inside the ceiling. And I’m thinking, could it be rats? I take off one of the ceiling boards and peek in the crawl space. But I see nothing.

Then I poke around some more and guess what I see? Rat shit! So I got rats somewhere. But how am I going to get rid of them if I can’t even find them? Easy!

I get some of those rat baits—you know the ones that look like little pellets that the rats take back to their nests? I put some of those pellets into the ceiling and I put back the ceiling board. Soon enough, I hear the rats again. And after a few days, I figure they must have taken the baits back to their nests and died because no more sounds were coming from the ceiling. Problem solved, right?

Fast forward to Sunday. I’m off on Sundays. And it was a real scorcher because the sun was finally out. So I head down to the basement where it’s nice and cool. And I open the door… and Holy Mother!

It smells like something died down there! Because something had died: the rats! So I figure I better get rid of the dead rats. So here’s what I do. I remove the ceiling board again—and let me tell you, it stank worse than hell! And I should know, because I’ve seen some pretty wicked shit in my time. But this? This was like the devil farted in your face. Anyway, I hold my breath and I poke around in the ceiling with a flashlight. No dead rats. You know why?

Those poor bastards took the pellets to their nests, just like it says on the box. And they ate them and died inside the walls or who knows where. And now, with the sun beating down on all of Creation, they are decomposing.

So I call Jesús. He’s my fix-it man, the guy I turn to when I need a miracle. And he pokes around in the ceiling and says, “Papi, smells like el diablo farted up there.” And I say no shit, right? And he says the only way to find the dead rats is to tear everything down. And I say are you crazy? I literally just built the damn place! So he says to just wait until the stink goes away. Sounds like a good idea, right?

Nope! I go down to the basement a week later and there are flies everywhere! Big, fat, hairy flies bumping into the walls, the ceiling, the lights—everything. And to top it all off, the smell is even worse! And I guess the flies can smell fear. Because all of a sudden, a swarm of them break off from the mass and come charging at me!

So I run for the stairs. And all the while I’m swatting and swearing—though in hindsight, I shouldn’t have been swearing because I think I might have swallowed a few of those unholy little shits. Anyway, I make it out of there and slam the door behind me.

So now what? I can’t go back down there. It’s not like I can just roll up a magazine and smite them one at a time, right? So I start thinking. And I think… frogs! Yeah, I’ll put a bunch of frogs down there and in a few days, they’ll have eaten all the flies.

So I find some of the fattest frogs you’ve ever seen. And if you know anything about frogs, you know it’s not easy to get your hands on them—literally, because of all the slime. I open the basement door and chuck them in as quickly as I can and I close the door.

Then, I just let the frogs do their thing for a while. And let me tell you, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. If you’ve ever heard frogs at night, you know what I’m talking about. Croak, croak, croak—all night long.

At first, I thought I would get used to the croaking. You know, just like how you get used to any noise after a while. But it got louder and louder every night. And I realize it’s because the damn frogs were reproducing! They were feasting and fornicating and begetting more frogs. There were so many of them, I swear the walls were vibrating from all the noise. In hindsight, I should have made sure they were all males or females. But hindsight’s been nothing but a bitch up to now.

Then I think, didn’t I see a snake out in the garden the other day? If I could just get the snake in there to get rid of the frogs, right? So that’s what I do. And you’ll never guess: now I got snakes everywhere! Maybe it was already pregnant. Or maybe it’s immaculate conception. Apparently it’s a thing now.

After the snake, I tried birds of prey. Then came the cats and the dogs. The wolves and bears. Furry, finned and feathered beasts of all shapes and sizes—right up to the elephants.

Then, I created humans.

And that’s when I got it right. So goddamn right that everything went so goddamn wrong.

The humans, they are so good at killing. They even started killing each other. One time, I sent Jesús down there to sort things out. He barely made it out in one piece.

You know what’s ironic? The only thing they aren’t so good at killing are rats.

So I said screw it, I’ve had enough. I locked up the basement for good and forgot about the whole stinking mess.

They’re still down there. Sometimes at night, I can hear them calling my name.